Tuesday, January 5, 2010 @ 6:19 PM
IDon'tCareAnymore!
Today the sce1s SUCKS!
I had the worse sia.
Haix.Today is my worse day of 2010.
Although it has only been 5dayz.
Wells. Morning was great.
Had the 10thousands laughter w the guys&AISHAH!
Followed by the stupid test.
Which I did not finish-.-
Then was the sec1 cca thing.
Dun wanna talk bout it):
Met my dearest after sch.
He sent me home den went for work.
Sometimes I stop&think.
Why the 1st impressions I give ppl is that I'm scary&emo.
Maybe becuz I hab beenlike that in primarysch.
I still rmb.
When I was in the first 3yrs of pri sch.
I locked myself in the study rm.
Took my kindergarten pic&cried for my friends to join me.
I rmb I feel solonely.
Nobody was there for me.
Well, this is something nobody knew.
I started writing diaries about my life.
I always thought you know maybe.
Maybe someone would spot me behind the mask.
Maybe someone wouldtalk to me bout it.
But nobody came.
Even if they did, they kinda made me felt worse):
& I also lost contact wif flo.
Life to me was like hell!
If I was living a life like this, who would n't be so protective?
Maybe my childhood was everything.
But it was ruined.
Not to mention my up&downs with shumei.
If you were in my shoes, you'll really know was was last min.
Iknew about the bbq just dayz b4 it is actually gonna happen.
There was a moment I swear I thought it was going to be cancelled.
That's why I nv follow up.
Take it as it was my fault.
But seriously.
It's not my totally my fault.
Sorry that I hurt you&stuff.
sorry that i locked myself away.
But it was my childhood.
I longed for protection.
I really needed it.
That's why I'm so tomboyish.
BecauseI had to protect myself since noone was there for me.
It was only me. I grew up in that world.
I never trusted others but only me.
Till florence came back to my life.
She made me rmb my happy part of my childhood.
Maybe that's why she was able to enter my world.
'cause during that, I knew I had only she to rely on.
She went through to that moment w me.
Though I didn't cut myself tt time but.
Just imagine being lied over&overagain.
Even if you weren't the 1, I would be wary of every single person.
Amazgingly I do analyzing on the 1st timemeet.
I rmb, I never carry a smile on my 1st day of school. EVER SINCE.
I tried letting many others enter my life.
But I can'topen in the end cuz. They can't readmy mind.
& apprently onli Florence could do it.
AMAZINGLY.
I'm always blaming myself.
Keeping everything in my heart.
It gets heavier&heavier.
ME,Me,Me. I always thought it was mie.
I still rmb our fite in sec1 nov/dec holi.
Rmb. Ialways thought it was me.
&no matter wad, I told myself.
I had to put a brave front&say they were right so I can't do anything.
Till since florence posted that thingy on her blog.
That I think back.
Why am I always thinking it's me.
Maybe it's not.
Mayb like she said it's time to think for myself.
Den I started thinking.
Why don't I know how to reject?
Why I just let you all bully me like this.
Why was I always pushedhere&there.
Why is it me? &uptillnow.
I do notknow.
You told me to think. But what to think abt.
IT's all these so called responsibility dragging me down.
I felt so watched.
You wanna control my everything.
I don't feel like a 14-15yearold kid experiencing things I should.
I don't get it.
Why wouldn't you just put this duties on them instead, why me?
WHY DOES EVERY FUCKING HUMANS THINK I CAN DO IT?!?!
Prefect also the same. Thy're always looking out for me.
MEMEMEME! They all thought I would make it to the head prefect.
THEY WAN ME TO TAKE THE FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY!
Is there like this FUCKING aura arnd me thats say, I CAN DO IT! CHOOSE ME!
LIke fuck itlarhhs.
Face thetruthpeople.
I'm NOT that FUCKING PERSON WHO IS SO GREAT!
I can't fucking do alot of things.
I'M JUST A FUCKING 14-15YEAR OLD KID GETTING ON LIFE!
If I'm that FUCKING GREAT PERSON,
WITH FUCKING GREAT ABILITIES TO HAVE THE 10THOUSANDS
RESPONSIBILTIES ON ME!
ireallycan'tcarryonlikethis.
ifeelmymindcollapsing.
ifeellikei'mwalkingonaneverendingbrokenglasspath.
tired&sick. ican'tcarryon.
shoulditellthem?
delimma.
babby,ineedyoutoputthatsmileonmyfaceagain.
i'mtiredofcrying.
withyou,isimplyingforgetallmysadness.
butwhenigethomeijustthinkabttheday&cried.
&wishedthatyouwereherewithme.
sothaticancryonyourshoulder&you'llcomfortme.
itmakesmystayonworldallworthitagain.
i'mhopeless.&idon'tcareanymore.